But...your Saturday is completely free. You stifle a sinister giggle as you weigh all of your craven options for this day. What is a man to do?
Get your buddies together to go on a wild drinking binge from bar to bar, stopping only to howl with testosteronic (new word) glee as the pour you another shot of something out of a nondescript bottle labeled "HOOCH" on a piece of masking tape? Nah...too Lindsay Lohan...
Get some cash from the ATM and hit an exotic dancing establishment? Heck, you can even bring your HOOCH (that's the drink remember)!!! Nah...too Charlie Sheen...
Wait. In the recesses of the mind a sign begins to illuminate, pulsing with a neon-like glow. It's mesmorizing. And it holds your answer....
YOU ARE A GEEK. START ACTING LIKE ONE!
That's it....it's so simple really. We nerds have our own brand of debauchery....
GEEK MOVIE DAY!!!
I have trekked up to the movie room to begin this, GEEKAPALOOZA I!!!
Join me as I blog, won't you? I can even find a can of Coke Zero and label it HOOCH for you if you like, but sadly, my exotic dancing days are long past....
10:00 AM Movie #1: Superman/Batman Apocalypse
Ah, the cartoon Gotham City at night. Kryptonite debris? Why does it ALWAYS have to be kryptonite?
And then, the obligatory meteorite that hits in the middle of a major metropolitan city and NOT in some desolate farmland....Who can save us from evil meteorites? Why, Batman of course!
Glowing green meteorites...guess you know what that means....mmm hmmm...
Wow! Is that how easy it is to steal the Batboat? No 4-digit code or nothing? And then she just trashes it? Dude, you could easily gotten a couple 1000 for that on Craig's List...
Tim Daly...He's got a good Superman voice. But Kevin Conroy IS Batman. People forget he's played the role for longer than ANYONE. (sorry, too much geek there).
Wait...the Superman logo on boobs? What kind of movie is this...? Is this the Apocalypse the movie title warned me about? Oh wait, it's just Supergirl...but she doesn't quite know that yet.
So, Supergirl stole Batman's ride? Little minx....
She's trapped...ha ha! But wait, she can fly! But never underestimate the power of Batman to sneak right up behind you undetetected.
Oh, the humanity!!! Superman saves the Gotham Hindenberg after Supergirl crashes into it. Jeez, this chick is a disaster.
Oh, Batman....shame, shame, shame. He just used Kryptonite as a ROOFIE!!!!
Jeez, Batman's bitching about a busted big screen TV....
Superman's eyes are a bit creepy in this movie....
Jeez...Krypto in this movie too?
Supergirl with the teen angst...pretty soon she'll be whining about how she can't go out with her friends at the Rings of Saturn because she's grounded. Typical...
This movie's got some weird animation thing going on with people's lips. Disconcerting, that...
Supergirl just totally bogarted Superman's origin story...cheeky!
Now we flash to a planet that seems to be run by Water Heaters...Apocalypse! And they like their chick gladiator games here...happy geek. Hmm, that one chick looks a little too....manly....
Wait, the villain's second in command is named Granny?
Hmm...now a shopping spree montage with Supergirl and Clark Kent? What is this, the OC?
Hmm...let's see what Supergirl does with this hot dog.....(write in your own inappropriate joke)
HA!!! Supergirl just called Batman "Grumpy Ass"!!!!
Hmm, looks like we've got a Justice League intervention going on....Wonder Woman and Batman just gave Superman a reality check.
And now, here we are at Paradise Island. Amazons, Amazons, everywhere...
Wow, Wonder Woman is sounding a bit naggy...
The blondes are having some bonding time (no, not bondage time...bonding time).
Uh oh, attack of Doomsday...whoa, now an army of them! Amazon chicks to the rescue!
Something's not right...Batman's got it figured out...he always does...only superhero with any brains in this outfit....
Superman, ya think ya could've done the heat vision thing like 2 minutes ago....?
I LOVE it when people swear that deaths will be avenged!!!
Bugs in jail cells...they go together like peanut butter and jelly....
Forever Darkseid's...there's a perfume name in there somewhere...
Wait. "Borrow your mother box to generate a boom tube?" HUH?
So, do those Apocalypse lion tanks run on diesel or what....?
Hey...! Batman's got a flying Segway!
Why do the women have to take the sewer route into the evil fortress?
Whoa, now THAT's a big watchdog...
Well, looks like Batman's going to have to thumb a hitch...oh never mind...the big dog just ate him....
"Surrender now! Or the b**** dies!" Wow, this ain't your Daddy's comic book movie...
Is...Superman...wearing....eye shadow???
First time I've ever heard the word "foreswear" in a cartoon before.
Uh oh, Granny's in trouble...
Hypnotists, scientists, and sadists....oh my!!!
Super tears!
Aww, even a kind word for Grumpy Ass....and he's STILL whining about the broken TV...aren't you like a billionaire or something?
Supergirl in Smallville??? Yeah, because she loved shopping in the city and duking it out in the gladiator arena, you're gonna dump her out in the boondocks to "fit in"?!? And then you dump her on your Mom? Classy move, Clark...
WHOA...PLOT TWIST!!!!!
They're like totally trashing Ma and Pa Kent's house...not cool.
Heads up, cows...
It's a super twister!!! Dorothy, Dorothy!!!!
"Don't ever come here again." Why, because I was kicking BOTH of your butts???
Uh oh, Mom and Dad are home. Parents just don't understand....
Hmm...Supergirl just said "I'm a good pounder"....
Wow, ok. Can't say as that's the best Superman/Batman cartoon I've seen. A bit too teen angsty for me.
What's next on the docket?
11:30 AM Movie #2: Conan the Barbarian
Believe it or not, I've never seen this film from start to finish (Geek heresy...I know). It's Ahhnold time!
Gotta love a movie that starts with a quote from Nietzche.
Hmm...barbarians were just minding their own business...then BLAMMO!
Awww, James Earl Jones is soooo darling with those baby blue eyes....
What's with the wigs?
Wheel in the sky, keep on turning...
They train him to use weapons, educate him, satiate him with women...guys, you're not exactly keeping your slave caste in their place, you know that don't you?
The quote! "Hear the lamentations of the women!!!"
Chased by dogs...who put Alpo in my pockets???
Perfect, he falls into the pit that gives him a rusty....no wait, PRISTINE sword. How poetic, time for Darth Vader to die!
So, visit hooker, get num-nums for free, AND she gives you directions DURING said num-nums???? Oh Conan, you cad! Women want you, and men want to BE you....
Wait, that's no woman....dude you have GOT to be more cautious about who you sleep with...hopefully her directions are still good...
Yawn....another day another empire to conquer...aw crap...homeless guy at 9 o'clock...
Who do you pray to...? Deep religious discussion here...I pray to Krom...Krom laughs at your Four Winds...
Let's run together...these furskin boots were made for running!
Lizard on a stick....tastes like....lizard on a stick...
Aww, did you have to go kicking a dog Conan?
Black Lotus...first hit's for free...now llama's are funny....STONED GUY PUNCHING A CAMEL!!!
Chick Conan! Thank goodness her acting chops are as good as Arnold's....
And we're climbing...we're climbing...
The snake high priestesses...how do you solve a problem like a priestess???
Razor sharp knife in mouth...good idea.
What kind of an alarm snake are you, anyway??? Oh, THAT kind....
Thanks for the help, Mr Miyagi!!!
Dudes killed our snake!!! NOW what are we gonna sacrifice our virgins to?
Ahh, time to celebrate at Conan's BAR...barian. "Where everybody knows your name...."
That chick's nose is bigger than Conan's....
When a mommy and daddy barbarian love each other very much.....wow, I now know what kind of books Conan's been reading...Penthouse Forum...
All right, let's get going. This snake cult's not going to eviscerate themselves...
Face down in clam chowder...nice, Conan...
Max Von Sydow?!?!? This movie just became a whole lot more geekalicious. HAIL, MING!!!
Nobody does the lip quiver like Max...
Chick's putting the relationship guilt on Conan...VILE TEMPTRESS!!!
And Conan just ditched her...not even a note on her pillow....I sense a Fatal Attraction scene coming on....Arnold, make sure to check your pots and pans for boiling rabbits...
Children of Doom? They look like hippies to me...
Dude, you can't just ride your horse in the lake....hmmm, I guess that was just one BIG puddle...
Ha, ha....you make me laugh...silly wizard....
Conan is ALWAYS eating some kind of roasted meat...is that like his version of spinach?
Arnold on a camel holding flowers...well worth the price of admission.
You really need to put those flowers in some water...
"You're so big and so well grown. You should be proud of our body." Uh oh, didn't know Conan swung that way....
That's not how a first date with a high priest should go, Conan...
ID's out.. everyone. No entry into the sacred snake temple without an ID. Ah, you've got the backstage pass. Right this way, Mr. Conan....
Wow, lawn seating is TOTALLY full...gonna be a good concert, I can feel it.
And yet, another sacrificial virgin. Hope we're not using the snake on this one...cause it's still in the shop...
James Earl Jones IS Lady Gaga!!!!
How'd they know Conan had snuck in....?
Arnold's getting pwned...."You're the BEST, around. Nothing's gonna ever keep you down."
"You killed my snake."
"Yeah, well you took my father's sword!"
Flesh is stronger than steel...chick just took a header off the cliff...not so strong...
Tree of Woe contemplation...this is how you win friends and influence people????
Vulture had it coming...
Awww, it's his buddy!!! Uh oh....and the chick he ditched and didn't call. Whoops....
Man, this wizards grouchy...
Conan's getting inked...
Wizard's got Tourette's or something....
And Conan is back, it's clobbering time!!!
Like sands through the hourglass...so are the Barbarians of Our Lives...
Does this war paint make me look fat?
I love when slave pits are singing such uplifting tunes...
Hmm...we're in the this dark red slave pit....thank Krom we put on this black and REALLY white war paint to blend right in....
And another sacrificial virgin...eventually this dude's gonna run out...
Hey, it looks like Spring Break at Conan's place!!!
Who brought the leopard?!?!
Slave chick's noshing on same slimy green slop.
James Earl Jones....just....morphed...into...a....ummm.....snake? Look, maybe someone should've told you earlier, but Conan has this habit of killing snakes....
Hmmm...I guess it's time to hear the lamentations of those women...
And there goes that lovely cannibal gruel I spent ALL day on...
You...
Me...
Snake head to the noggin....score one for the barbarians!
And James Earl Jones is left to pick up the pieces...he ain't gonna take this slithering down...
Did he just turn that snake into an arrow? Were all the real arrows used up?
Hold me closer, tiny dancer....
This chick has about 50 last word phrases....Hold me closer, kiss me, let me breathe my last breath into you, so cold, keep me warm.....jeez, give a dude a break.
She fell in to a burning ring of fire....
I cry for him...yeah, sure you do...you wimp
His chick must've been made of Kingsford charcoal, cause she went up like the towering inferno...
Conan's talking about eating wild blueberries and sweet smelling grass...
Now, if we can just get them to run headfirst into all these sharpened sticks...should be a snap...
Time to pray to Krom...grant me revenge...and if you do not listen, then the HELL with you...not very prayer like...Conan...you should've paid more attention in Sunday school...
Whoops...Conan meet hammer!
Ooo...Conan knows how to set Ewok traps!!!
Dude...just go down...Conan's got your number. James Earl Jones is next!!!
Princess needs a bit of an underarm shave....
Time for a snake arrow....
Don't laugh at James Earl Jones...bad idea.
Conan's father's sword broke...guess steel wasn't so tough after all...
Hmmm...James said to fear the night....guess this is what he's talking about...
So, we rescued the Princess just to bring her back to James' den? What kind of strategy is this???
Sneaking up on him during his monologue...clever...
Showdown in Snaketown!!!!
"Conan, I AM YOUR FATHER!!!" Darth Vader sure had a lot of girls in a lot of towns....
James Earl Jones head....rolling down the stairs....rolling...rolling....
Snake cult staring at each other....now what? Let's all put our torches out and go home. Conan ruins EVERYTHING!!!
Conan alone with his thought....yep, just the one.
Conan and the Goblet of Fire!!!!
Yay! Burning Snake Temple!!! Barbarians win!!!
Conan on the throne....(insert own joke)
Classic 80's movie.
Now, for the unfamiliar to the all too familiar....
2:00 PM Movie #3: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (Blu-Ray)
My awesome in-laws got me the first six ST movies on Blu-Ray. Time to see ST II:TWOK for the first time in glorious 1080p!!!There will be no running commentary on this one. I'm just gonna sit back, relax and enjoy. See you on the other side!
Sooooo awesome. What I love about Blu-Ray is not so much the improvement in picture quality, although there is that. It's the vibrancy of colors and sound. It just draws you right in....
KHAAAAAANNNNNN!
4:00 PM Movie #4: True Grit
I picked myself up and out of my recliner perfectly conformed to my butt and went down to the local theater to partake in the Coen brothers' version of "True Grit".
This was one heck of a fine movie...
Pretty bows. Pretty, pretty bows....
That's what we've grown accustomed to and expect out of our movies. A beginning, a middle, and an ending (usually a happy or at least satisfying one).
True Grit ain't that. Don't expect pretty bows. Why? Because life isn't that way. Life takes unexpected turns, things are sometimes left unresolved. Even when the heroes win, it's not always a happy ending.
That's one of the things that makes True Grit an outstanding movie.
The second is the acting of Jeff Bridges and ESPECIALLY Hailee Steinfeld as the young girl hiring Bridges' character to go after her father's killer. This girl is only 13 years old but shows the acting chops of someone twice her age. And Jeff Bridges is...well....Jeff Bridges. Immersed in an instantly iconic character.
The final and best part of True Grit is the language. No, I'm not talking about profanity (or cussing...as they call it). The Coen's have a special relationship with the English language. I first saw it in O Brother Where Art Thou, but even more so here. They've captured so completely the way that people of that time used to talk. Through coarse drawl and NASTY dental hygiene, their dialogue is pure poetry. It's almost Shakespearean.
My wife doesn't have an abiding appreciation of westerns. So, she'll probably never watch this film, or at least won't pay attention to it when I pull it out of my collection to watch. It's too bad...because True Grit is something special.
8:15 PM Movie #5: Avatar (Extended Director's Cut Blu-Ray)
I wasn't as ecstatic about Avatar when it first came out. I marveled at the special effects, sure (though the 3D was occasionally very distracting), but I didn't find it a great story. Felt like a CGI Dances with Wolves to me. I heard about the extended director's cut which fleshes the story out a bit more, so I picked it up. Let's see what happens...
I like the big city opening...Everyone's wearing air masks...
Eww....Jake's legs
Dude just went up in a wheelchiar and kicked someone else's butt!!! Nice! Uh oh, payback.
Imagery of Earth is cool...kinda Blade Runner like...
Ok, gonna sit back again and watch...
Sorry, just can't contain...this movie was made for Blu-Ray.
Is it just me, or is Sigourney Weaver STILL gorgeous?
Heads up, giant naked blue smurf running the halls...
Wow, my viewpoint has changed after this. It's a pretty freaking good movie! For me, it was MUCH better in 2D than 3D.
Well, it's late...and Geekapalooza has come to an end. If you've stuck with me all the way to the end of this, I owe you a debt of thanks...or a beer...or a new set of cookware or something...
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